Though we are married to a good man, a faithful husband,
even a patient one, do we drive them away without realizing it?
Remembering back to those ten years writing
“Submission Is Not Silence”, my heart drove me because I craved Eric’s heart,
not just having his ring on my finger. My challenge was timidity and fear, but now I
more clearly understand that all of us girls tend to make similar mistakes.
My husband often traveled the United States as a Logistics
Manager for the Navy. I knew the people
on his team went to bars at night and women were all around. I prayed that another woman would not wiggle
her way into his heart. When he was in
his home office, he was steadfast and came home after work every day, but my
fear was that someone would vie for his heart.
When he travelled, sometimes for five days at a time, I lay awake at night,
home with our children and fearing for my place in his heart.
My mistakes and insecurities could have driven him
away. I had trouble believing he loved
me…it hurt him deeply. I often didn’t speak up and say what I thought and expected him to somehow know!
His response, “I won’t know what you think unless you tell me,” didn’t
sink in. I feared to say what I thought,
not realizing that “speaking the truth in love” would bring us together.
Now, this struggle will be different than yours. This morning a woman walking her two
grandchildren stopped to chat. Eric and
I were having coffee on the porch. Not
realizing it, I politely encouraged her to talk, but she never paused, never
stopped, never asked a question. Her
bitterness at her former husband poured out again (I had heard the same stories
on another day). Her three daughters are
not doing well. Two are divorced, one is
having serious panic attacks, her young grandson isn’t talking. Her
days are filled caring for her grandchildren.
Yes, she is in trouble.
Today it was a conversation that went one way, which I
unwittingly encouraged…I was polite. She
was not of a mind to converse, but only to spill over her grief and bitterness.
What happened? I think of the tendency of us, as girls, to
interact with each other, which is good.
But do we do this to the neglect of our husbands? Are we now safe, we have our man…now I get to
do as I wish? What about him?
As time passed in our marriage, I learned that when he traveled, Eric ate in
his room at hotels alone instead of going to the bars. He didn’t join the others in compromising
places, I discovered that my husband walked a path different from his fellow
workers.
In 2020, with our forty-eighth anniversary coming, I see
that my fears and my own personal journey of mistakes mixed with
success has brought us to a good
place. I tend to think that we girls
have more to do with a happy marriage than we think. We are relational…more than most men. We are more aware of how our children and
friends are doing. But what about our
husbands!
Here is what I’ve come to believe. When God said, “Husbands, love your wives…”
and when God tells us personally in Scripture, “The wife, see that she
reverence her husband…” these are deep and profound and powerful statements. Your husband, whom you likely chose to marry,
deserves first place, after your LORD and Savior. He deserves respect, sensitive consideration,
to be listened to.
I’m a talker. One of my ongoing challenges is to listen to
him, I mean listen with my brain, my heart and my ears to what Eric has to
say…and wait until he finishes his sentence before I break in with my ideas
(and very profound opinions)! To be
fair, we’re both working on being good conversationalists.
But we have a head start: we’ve made the mistakes…we’ve survived…and
now by God’s grace we are thriving! But there will still be hurts and
challenges going both ways. Now the
difference is, we know how much it damages the other when we stop
communicating. We know how painful it is
to go to bed mad! And hurt!
Here is a challenge to you, my friends: Think: Respect, when it comes to your
husband. You’ve got his ring and his
worldly goods. Now learn to listen,
really listen with your head and heart to what he thinks. I’m still learning
this lesson: and I am growing to more clearly understand him, I’ve grown wiser.
You might react here! But think of the designated place God
has put your husband in: Marriage is a “picture”
of Christ and His Church. “For the
husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church…” Ephesians 5:23.
With great gratitude to the LORD and to Eric, my prayers
have been answered. He is the man I
prayed for as a little girl, “Lord, please give me a husband who is a man of
God and who loves me.”
